he does things just to hurt me. that’s their only purpose. he intentionally causes me pain. why? why is this? i don’t know.
he intentionally causes me pain, and yet claims he cares about me. if someone truly cares about you, wouldn’t you assume they’d avoid causing you pain at all costs? he lashes out and strikes with fury. he’s strong. he hurts me…and then somehow manages to cast all the blame on me.
and yet…i love him.
am i a fool? perhaps. but, i’m a fool that is tethered to him. and i keep waiting. waiting for him to come and rescue me. rescue me, once again, from myself. except this time he isn’t rescuing me. this time he’s holding my head underwater…and smirking while i drown. all the while screaming, “learn to swim!”
i know how to swim. but if the only person you had is now one of them…then what’s the point of swimming at all? so i’ll give up…and let the water fill my lungs with burning and pain. i’ll let the current take me wherever it wants.
he says i wanted him to be a person he never wanted to become. this isn’t true. you know who i wanted him to be? a person who loved me. perhaps that is the very thing he never wanted to become? and maybe that’s why he’s now holding my head under the water and joining the others in their endless pursuit to break me.
but the thing is…
you can’t break something that is already shattered.
so instead, all they’re doing is tossing me into the fire. burning this broken human away into the nothingness she always knew she was. making it impossible for her to ever recover. thus, i must stick to my list. my plan.
because he’ll never come back and breathe life into me again…
and yet, the foolish woman i am still holds out hope.
but he’s running out of time.